Life.

You waited your whole life to grow up.
Always wanted to be old enough for this or that.
Wished you were just one year older.
Always.

Now I'm grown.
Is this what I wanted?
for the future, for myrself?
Am I even happy?

I have dreams. I always did.
Where did they go?
I don't even see them when I sleep anymore.
What have you done to yourself?

Is this really my life?
Will I always be crying
so many things I can't change.
So many things I hate.

Joy and laughter.
Distant cousins of mine.
I see them sometimes
But were not that close.

I'm dust on the wall.
Dirt on the rug.
Only an inconvenience
it seems.

They say they love me.
Most days Ibelieve it.
But I'm always alone.
Why am I so alone?

Where did everyone go?
They gave up.
I'm difficult.
No one understands me.

I'm worth nothing.
Work my shit job
and shut up.
No one wants to hear it.

I want more.
How do I get it?
I don't deserve it.
Dreams are for children.

I wanted this.
I wished this.
I asked for this.

Me.

I am responsible for the mess my life has become.

Putting my faith back in God

2016 was one of the worst years I’ve ever had.

Between moving 5 times, having countless dollars stolen from me, going through job after job, working 3 jobs at one time, and having 2 shady roommates; I spent this year depressed and angry,  I started breaking down my most cherished relationship, and forgetting my faith.

I spent almost the entire year fighting with God and questioning my relationship with him. Asking him “why me?” and to take me home because the weight of my world was becoming too much. I really lost myself this year and I lost sight of what is truly important.

I’ve lived my whole life believing that God wouldn't give me more than I could handle. This year as one negative thing piled on top of the last I broke and I stopped trusting God.

That is where things really started to get worse. Instead of trusting God and talking to him about what I was thinking and dealing with, I ignored him and all the signs he was giving me that things would be alright.

I hate admitting that I gave up on God. It’s sad and embarrassing but it’s the truth.

One night after hours of crying over the last 14 months of my life and the things that were in it that were going wrong and begging God to end my life, I picked up my bible. I don’t even know why I did it. I was crying intensely and just reached for it. I opened it and turned to a contents page which directed you to readings about whatever you were going through. I looked through the page until I came across list about contemplating suicide and it lead me to this:

1 Corinthians 6:19,20

19Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; 20you were bought at a price. Therefore honour God with your body.

I stopped crying. I started to breathe slower and I calmed myself down. That was the moment I let God back into my life. I trusted him again and I believed his word.

Now I have to say that I would never take my own life. But having the thought of doing it and even contemplating it is TERRIFYING!  I never want to feel that way again.

God works in great ways. Ways we couldn’t ever imagine. His timing is always perfect even if we don’t think so. With accepting this I was taught that patience and trust are key to building a relationship with God.

In addition to patience and trust, communicating rather than complaining to him has opened my eyes. In just a few weeks of accepting him back into my life, I have seen changes in my world and my life.

I now see the last 14 months of my life in a whole new light. I’m not angry or feeling sorry for myself anymore. I’ve forgiven the past and any wrong I’ve done or has been done to me and I’m moving on.

God knew this whole time that I would be okay and he knew I would make my way back to him.

I gave up on God but he did not give up on me and I can promise you he hasn’t given up on your either. I’m telling you, you have to trust him. His word and his love will bring you places you never thought you deserved to be. Trust him and you’ll see for yourself.

That bible changed my life and God saved my life. He will save yours too.

Xxoo - Katie

One Year Of UselessKatieTips!

So this post is going to be a bit different from my usual posts. I just realized that I've had my blog for an entire year!! So I've decided to make a post to share with you a few things I've learned during this past year with quotes and just some random thoughts here and there. So if this isn't your type of post, you can exit this window. I promise I wont be mad. If you're looking forward to reading this then hold on a quick second. I promise I'll get to the body of this post right now.

"Develop a healthy relationship with food. If you're hungry, eat. If you're full, don't eat. Eat vegetables to be god to your body, but eat ice cream to be good to your soul. 
Take pictures of yourself frequently. Chronicle your life. Selfies are completely underrated. Even if the pictures are unflattering, keep them anyway. There will always be mountains and cities and buildings, but you will never look the same as you did in that moment in time.
Your worth does not depend on how desirable someone finds you. Spend less time in front of the mirror and more time with the people who make you feel beautiful.
Close doors. Don't hold onto things that no longer bring you happiness and do not help you grow as a person. It is okay to walk away from toxic relationships. You are not wear for letting go.
Forgive yourself.. We all have something in our pasts that we are ashamed of, but they only weigh us down if we allow them to. Make amends with the old you and work every day to become the person that you've always wanted to be." - Tina Tran

I'll be honest, when I first seen this quote on Tumblr and didn't want to read it but for some reason I did anyway and didn't regret reading a single word. Every part of it I can relate to and I think most of you can too. It really reminded me that, Yes! I'm allowed to be happy, and happy I will be.

Allow yourself to be happy without worrying about the opinions of others. This took me a long time to figure out and the second I realized that I don't have to hide my happiness, my life changed. 

Embrace change. Even though this can be the hardest thing you'll ever do, I promise you it's worth it. I moved across the country to get away from a few people and a bad situation and I'm telling you. It feels amazing to be myself and to no longer be judged!

Love a family that loves you back!
No more wasting time on people who don't care about you and only say nice things to you to make them look good. You should NEVER feel ashamed about the person you are and No one should ever let you feel that way.

Always be yourself!
If you can't be yourself somewhere then why are you there? Why waste your precious time on something or someone that doesn't allow you to be yourself? Surround yourself with places and people that truly love you for all you are.

Be apart of something that you truly love and believe in.
Whether this is a family, religion, or work, Love it. and be apart of whatever it is because YOU want to. Not because it would please everyone else. As a people pleaser I struggled with this but moving away made it clear that the people I was associated with would only be interested in me if I conformed to what they thought was best.

Do something for yourself.
For the past 4 years, I did nothing for myself. I slaved to make someone happy who just didn't want to be. I constantly put myself second to everyone and was punished for even thinking about doing something for myself. You can't live like that! You have to stand up for yourself and realize how you deserve to be treated. Find people that appreciate you and all your efforts but also encourage you to be your own person. 

 Surround yourself with people who are happy and want the best for you.
I slowly started to distance myself from the people who didn't care about me and started hanging out with friends again. It was my Friend who showed me how people who love one another should be treated, just how much love I deserve, and how loved I really am by the people that truly matter. Jamie and Craig, I can never thank you enough for all the talks, tears and downright honest moments we've shared in the kitchen. You two are what kept me going when I was broken and I love you so much for that. <3

Don't hold on to heartbreak.
Okay, Cry. That's okay but I've learned to just let it go. I've learned that sometimes no matter how hard you try, not everything I meant to be. It's not worth it if it's not natural. Let it go and move on

The best things happen when you're not looking.
you have a routine, Yeah. so do I. You follow it everyday and nothing changes.
Until one day everything you thought you knew confuses you. He comes along and makes you smile. He doesn't know that you were crying only minutes before and he doesn't know anything thing about you but he thinks you're nice and he wants to know more. He doesn't pry or force you to share, He lets you be yourself and it turns out he likes who you are. He likes your laugh, your jokes, your smile, and your thoughts. He is perfect.

Let yourself love again
Even if it's 4 months or 10 years after your last relationship. Go for it. Indulge yourself in complete bliss. I did, and I've honestly never been this happy before. I think some of this happiness is because I've set myself free from the people who only wanted to hurt me. Now I'm confident and my future is so clear!

I'm dating someone.
I know some of you reading this are a few of those people who love to judge me and have been for the past 4 years and that's fine. Continue if you must. What you think about me is none of my business. Just keep in mind that you only know one side of the story. It's always going to be that way and I'm okay with that. As for my new relationship, I'm happy. I've spent the last couple months working and talking to him during all my free time. He's made me realize what I deserve and not just in a relationship but in daily life too. He knows things about me that no one else know, he understands, listens and cares. He is genuine, creative, honest, and smart. He compliments my life like no one I've ever known before and I know he will be in my life forever. Luis, you make my life brighter and you've always had my back. You never break your promises and you always ask how about my day. You remember the little things and you appreciate them just the same. The little things you do add up quickly and I really want you to know just how much I appreciate your time and effort in our relationship. You truly are my greatest blessing and I'm forever grateful for you. Thank you for showing me what it is to be happy again. There is no one better for me than you!

Alright. I know this post has been all over the place. I just had to type and say what I needed to. 

Be yourself guys and never settle for less than you deserve. Be happy, smile and love.

Please don't ever hold back from what you want and what you love. Take control. This is your one life and I believe you shouldn't waste any more time being sad or confused.

I love you guys, thanks for reading

                    Xxoo - Katie

Spring Cleaning!

I don't know if ya'll have noticed but the snow is MELTING!!! If you're reading this and you don't have snow where you are......well I'm envious.

There is something so satisfying about knowing the snow is going away, maybe it's because I know the trees and grass are going to be green in a matter of a few weeks, and the weather is just going to keep getting better. What ever it is, I'm excited and I can't wait!

Spring reminds us all of fresh, new, and clean beginnings so I thought I'd share with you a few little ways to welcome the new season and how to make the most of the exciting feeling were all having for this weather!

1. Open the curtains!
Let the sun in and feel it's warmth on your skin!
2.Eat cleaner!
Spring is clean and refreshing! your diet should be too. chop up some veggies and fruit and munch out!
3. Exercise!
Yeah I know.... But come on,  spring is all about transformations and new beginnings and you should be a part of that
4. Go through your clothes
Revamp that wardrobe and donate your old clothes..you know the ones you said you'd wear again but never did. ;)
5.Cut your hair or get new make-up
Change is good! get with the season!
6.Pamper yourself!
Moisturize! Winter is a dry season, get a head start on healthier skin!
7.Evaluate your skin care!
Have a fresh start with cleaner skin, revamp your routine!
8.Clean your social media's.
delete the people that do more harm than good. You're news feeds should be filled with positivity and knowledge not rants about getting the wrong fast food order or how your parents suck and "they just don't get it". Ain't nobody got time for that!
9.Clean your mind!
make an effort everyday to start fresh. Smile and think positive and you'll be surprised just how much better you're days become.
10.Open your windows!
Let the fresh air in. take it in and enjoy it. Winter is almost gone! Welcome spring into your home as soon as you can. 

So these are just the small ways I prepare for spring in my life and mind. If you have anything to add let me know because I'm always interested in knowing what everyone else does to welcome ad embrace the great weather.
If you were interested in making a few changes, I hope this gave you a few ideas and inspiration. As always let me know what you though in the comments below!

Happy spring time, everyone!


                                                    xxoo - Katie